cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
