Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
