i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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