happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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