True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm passing your future prison.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
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Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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