4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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