At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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