remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
