I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
