can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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