chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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