i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You took a bar mat shot.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
