you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
