dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
