I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
