I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
