I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
