Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
