K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
