Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
