don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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