I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
