She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What drink are we having for lunch?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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