Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
