Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
