There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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