The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
