I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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