Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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