I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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