we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
