I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
