we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
