The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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