I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
