im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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