So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
