Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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