Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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