You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
