The maid of honor just puked.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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