My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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