Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
