yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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