My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
