I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
