You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
