So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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