I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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