remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
