It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
