I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
