We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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