When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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