your parents love me but you hate me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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