I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My vagina just recognized that song.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
