So drunk its hurt
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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