my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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