Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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