Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
