you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
